m a hurt. But the next step is to ask ourselves if - just perhaps - we have fallen into that same pattern and are contributing to our partner’s pain.

A wise man once said that his definition of love is to find someone to adore, and then to actively adore that person - often, out loud, verbally, physically, in every way possible. Imagine the healing and the validation that would come from hearing often how wonderful we are, how beautiful/handsome, how strong, how delicious, how sweet, how supporting, how . . . fill in your own adjective here. Now imagine the healing and validation your partner would feel from the same treatment.

Ask yourself just what harvest you want from the vineyard of your relationship - tiny, spoiled, sour grapes,

"The little foxes are ruining the vineyards. Catch them, for the grapes are all in blossom." —Song of Solomon 2:15

Often, when we evaluate our own contribution to our relationships, we focus on the big things: Well, I must be a good husband / wife / partner (choose one!) because I don’t cheat / gamble / run around / lie / resort to physical violence (choose one or more!), and we congratulate ourselves. And it is true that we are wise to avoid these major problems.

But there are also “the little foxes” that seem to be so harmless - even cute - which can do major damage to our relationships. Foxes are members of the dog family, which we think of as being carnivorous; however, foxes eat, in addition to meat, vegetable matter, especially fruit. Imagine the damage to a vineyard that a litter of little fruit-loving foxes can do!

You know the couple: always the life of the party. Always the center of laughter. Such fun they are. We’ve all heard, “And then do you know what Mary did? She has this bad habit of (your choice, again!).” And often, what Mary has done gets a laugh, especially when Bill’s delivery is wonderfully humorous, and she giggles and rolls her eyes.

And sometimes, Mary has a brilliant, funny comeback with which she gets in her jab at Bill, and the comedy is on. And if you asked them, wanting to be good sports, they would respond with,

“We don’t mean it. We’re only teasing!”

However, over time, the repeated litany of our shortcomings gets old, and on the day when our self-esteem is in need of a boost - not a put-down, we feel hurt. We may or may not say anything; we may so quickly bury the hurt that we are hardly aware of having experienced it - after all, what’s one tiny nip from one tiny fox?

But eventually, we are bleeding inside from multiple tiny bites; the hurt is deep - and it came from one who is supposed to be our champion and support. This “harmless” teasing is a fox that has sharp teeth indeed. And the catch-22 is that if we speak up to complain, we are being poor sports.

One definition of fox, when it is used as a verb, is to baffle or to confuse. And this is most appropriate here. At the start, our relationships make us feel so good (why else would we get into them?), but over time, the magic goes, and it is true that in a healthy, normal relationship, the excited intensity with which we begin mellows to something warm and caring.

But that’s just the point: when the relationship has cooled from its white-hot beginnings, but doesn’t feel warm and caring any more, we become baffled or confused as to just what went wrong. We are both still good people; we are both still committed to the relationship, but somehow, there’s a shadow over us, a wall between us, and we can’t figure it out.

A good place to start is to ask ourselves if our partner has fallen into this pattern of “teasing” with nips of pointed little fox teeth, and it’s often easy to see this fault, particularly when we are smarting from a hurt. But the next step is to ask ourselves if - just perhaps - we have fallen into that same pattern and are contributing to our partner’s pain.

A wise man once said that his definition of love is to find someone to adore, and then to actively adore that person - often, out loud, verbally, physically, in every way possible. Imagine the healing and the validation that would come from hearing often how wonderful we are, how beautiful/handsome, how strong, how delicious, how sweet, how supporting, how . . . fill in your own adjective here. Now imagine the healing and validation your partner would feel from the same treatment.

Ask yourself just what harvest you want from the vineyard of your relationship - tiny, spoiled, sour grapes, o

fruit. Imagine the damage to a vineyard that a litter of little fruit-loving foxes can do!

You know the couple: always the life of the party. Always the center of laughter. Such fun they are. We’ve all heard, “And then do you know what Mary did? She has this bad habit of (your choice, again!).” And often, what Mary has done gets a laugh, especially when Bill’s delivery is wonderfully humorous, and she giggles and rolls her eyes.

And sometimes, Mary has a brilliant, funny comeback with which she gets in her jab at Bill, and the comedy is on. And if you asked them, wanting to be good sports, they would respond with,

“We don’t mean it. We’re only teasing!”

However, over time, the repeated litany of our shortcomings gets old, and on the day when our self-esteem is in need of a boost - not a put-down, we feel hurt. We may or may not say anything; we may so quickly bury the hurt that we are hardly aware of having experienced it - after all, what’s one tiny nip from one tiny fox?

But eventually, we are bleeding inside from multiple tiny bites; the hurt is deep - and it came from one who is supposed to be our champion and support. This “harmless” teasing is a fox that has sharp teeth indeed. And the catch-22 is that if we speak up to complain, we are being poor sports.

One definition of fox, when it is used as a verb, is to baffle or to confuse. And this is most appropriate here. At the start, our relationships make us feel so good (why else would we get into them?), but over time, the magic goes, and it is true that in a healthy, normal relationship, the excited intensity with which we begin mellows to something warm and caring.

But that’s just the point: when the relationship has cooled from its white-hot beginnings, but doesn’t feel warm and caring any more, we become baffled or confused as to just what went wrong. We are both still good people; we are both still committed to the relationship, but somehow, there’s a shadow over us, a wall between us, and we can’t figure it out.

A good place to start is to ask ourselves if our partner has fallen into this pattern of “teasing” with nips of pointed little fox teeth, and it’s often easy to see this fault, particularly when we are smarting from a hurt. But the next step is to ask ourselves if - just perhaps - we have fallen into that same pattern and are contributing to our partner’s pain.

A wise man once said that his definition of love is to find someone to adore, and then to actively adore that person - often, out loud, verbally, physically, in every way possible. Imagine the healing and the validation that would come from hearing often how wonderful we are, how beautiful/handsome, how strong, how delicious, how sweet, how supporting, how . . . fill in your own adjective here. Now imagine the healing and validation your partner would feel from the same treatment.

Ask yourself just what harvest you want from the vineyard of your relationship - tiny, spoiled, sour grapes,

d, and on the day when our self-esteem is in need of a boost - not a put-down, we feel hurt. We may or may not say anything; we may so quickly bury the hurt that we are hardly aware of having experienced it - after all, what’s one tiny nip from one tiny fox?

But eventually, we are bleeding inside from multiple tiny bites; the hurt is deep - and it came from one who is supposed to be our champion and support. This “harmless” teasing is a fox that has sharp teeth indeed. And the catch-22 is that if we speak up to complain, we are being poor sports.

One definition of fox, when it is used as a verb, is to baffle or to confuse. And this is most appropriate here. At the start, our relationships make us feel so good (why else would we get into them?), but over time, the magic goes, and it is true that in a healthy, normal relationship, the excited intensity with which we begin mellows to something warm and caring.

But that’s just the point: when the relationship has cooled from its white-hot beginnings, but doesn’t feel warm and caring any more, we become baffled or confused as to just what went wrong. We are both still good people; we are both still committed to the relationship, but somehow, there’s a shadow over us, a wall between us, and we can’t figure it out.

A good place to start is to ask ourselves if our partner has fallen into this pattern of “teasing” with nips of pointed little fox teeth, and it’s often easy to see this fault, particularly when we are smarting from a hurt. But the next step is to ask ourselves if - just perhaps - we have fallen into that same pattern and are contributing to our partner’s pain.

A wise man once said that his definition of love is to find someone to adore, and then to actively adore that person - often, out loud, verbally, physically, in every way possible. Imagine the healing and the validation that would come from hearing often how wonderful we are, how beautiful/handsome, how strong, how delicious, how sweet, how supporting, how . . . fill in your own adjective here. Now imagine the healing and validation your partner would feel from the same treatment.

Ask yourself just what harvest you want from the vineyard of your relationship - tiny, spoiled, sour grapes,

o them?), but over time, the magic goes, and it is true that in a healthy, normal relationship, the excited intensity with which we begin mellows to something warm and caring.

But that’s just the point: when the relationship has cooled from its white-hot beginnings, but doesn’t feel warm and caring any more, we become baffled or confused as to just what went wrong. We are both still good people; we are both still committed to the relationship, but somehow, there’s a shadow over us, a wall between us, and we can’t figure it out.

A good place to start is to ask ourselves if our partner has fallen into this pattern of “teasing” with nips of pointed little fox teeth, and it’s often easy to see this fault, particularly when we are smarting from a hurt. But the next step is to ask ourselves if - just perhaps - we have fallen into that same pattern and are contributing to our partner’s pain.

A wise man once said that his definition of love is to find someone to adore, and then to actively adore that person - often, out loud, verbally, physically, in every way possible. Imagine the healing and the validation that would come from hearing often how wonderful we are, how beautiful/handsome, how strong, how delicious, how sweet, how supporting, how . . . fill in your own adjective here. Now imagine the healing and validation your partner would feel from the same treatment.

Ask yourself just what harvest you want from the vineyard of your relationship - tiny, spoiled, sour grapes,

m a hurt. But the next step is to ask ourselves if - just perhaps - we have fallen into that same pattern and are contributing to our partner’s pain.

A wise man once said that his definition of love is to find someone to adore, and then to actively adore that person - often, out loud, verbally, physically, in every way possible. Imagine the healing and the validation that would come from hearing often how wonderful we are, how beautiful/handsome, how strong, how delicious, how sweet, how supporting, how . . . fill in your own adjective here. Now imagine the healing and validation your partner would feel from the same treatment.

Ask yourself just what harvest you want from the vineyard of your relationship - tiny, spoiled, sour grapes, or juicy, delicious, sweet fruit that delights and nourishes - both you and your partner.

Only you can make the choice to keep those little foxes out of your vineyard and to actively adore your partner.