anything else; unless you want to play second fiddle to an addiction, that’s your cue to run very fast, in the opposite direction. He may beat his addiction one day, but you certainly can’t do it for him, and the chances are he will drag you down with him.

· If he has a history of violent behaviour in his past, assume that you will end up as his punch bag, if you stick around. Your love won’t change his behaviour.

· Get a copy of “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and read it until every word is etched on your heart. It will help you to distinguish between the way a man treats you when he truly care and the way he‘ll treat you when they don’t.

· Grow your circle of friends and well-wishers, so you aren’t

Most people can’t get behind the wheel of a car for the first time and drive away like a seasoned driver. But one or two can.

Most people can’t sit down at a piano for the first time and play a Mozart sonata; although you might find the odd one or two who can play whatever they hear by ear.

Most people won’t put their trust in someone who they know is emotionally damaged, had a ‘hard life’, and a history of troubled relationships, and achieve their happy ever after. But one or two do.

One thing you’ve learned from your experience is that you’re uncritical to a fault. You’re so prepared to believe the very best of your partner (and probably the worst of yourself) that you’re blind to the warning signs.

Some people can run faster than others. Some are better at sport, or art than others. Some can sing; others can’t. Some are good at maths; others aren’t. It’s not a question of better or worse. It’s a simple fact.

Some women are better at relationships than others. Picking good potential partners is not one of your natural gifts. But it is something you can learn.

So how do you do it?

· Take new relationships SLOWLY. This serves two purposes: first, it gives you the time to notice things; second, abusive men tend not to want to spend too long courting their prey and they will either start to lose interest or show their true colours.

· Make a written record of every little ‘incident’ where a new partner behaves in a way that you don’t quite like, or you find upsetting. You may start to a see a pattern. He may sulk if he doesn’t get his own way, or ignore your feelings, or get angry over small things.

· Listen carefully to what he says about his previous girlfriends. If he tells you that they all behaved badly towards him, then that’s probably exactly what he’ll say about you, one day. If they’ve all disappointed him, you can bet you’ll end up disappointing him too, however hard you try. Because he sees himself as a victim of the women in his life.

· Listen carefully to how he talks about other people. If he expresses hostility or contempt for most of the people in his life, that is his base emotion. The time will come when he will surely visit that hostility or contempt on you.

· Notice how easily he becomes angry and how angry he gets. You won’t be immune from his anger for too long. You can even provoke his anger to see exactly how he behaves; if you dare. And, of course, if you don’t, then you really should not be with him.

· Find out about his relationship with his family. If his relationship with his family has broken down, or even if his mother seems to dominate him, it bodes badly for his relationship with you.

· If he has children by a previous relationship, find out how well they get on with him. If they don’t like him there’s probably a good reason – and it may not be just because his ex-wife/girlfriend ‘is a bitch’.

· If he has any addictions, whether to drugs, drink, gambling, sex or anything else; unless you want to play second fiddle to an addiction, that’s your cue to run very fast, in the opposite direction. He may beat his addiction one day, but you certainly can’t do it for him, and the chances are he will drag you down with him.

· If he has a history of violent behaviour in his past, assume that you will end up as his punch bag, if you stick around. Your love won’t change his behaviour.

· Get a copy of “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and read it until every word is etched on your heart. It will help you to distinguish between the way a man treats you when he truly care and the way he‘ll treat you when they don’t.

· Grow your circle of friends and well-wishers, so you aren’t

than others. Some are better at sport, or art than others. Some can sing; others can’t. Some are good at maths; others aren’t. It’s not a question of better or worse. It’s a simple fact.

Some women are better at relationships than others. Picking good potential partners is not one of your natural gifts. But it is something you can learn.

So how do you do it?

· Take new relationships SLOWLY. This serves two purposes: first, it gives you the time to notice things; second, abusive men tend not to want to spend too long courting their prey and they will either start to lose interest or show their true colours.

· Make a written record of every little ‘incident’ where a new partner behaves in a way that you don’t quite like, or you find upsetting. You may start to a see a pattern. He may sulk if he doesn’t get his own way, or ignore your feelings, or get angry over small things.

· Listen carefully to what he says about his previous girlfriends. If he tells you that they all behaved badly towards him, then that’s probably exactly what he’ll say about you, one day. If they’ve all disappointed him, you can bet you’ll end up disappointing him too, however hard you try. Because he sees himself as a victim of the women in his life.

· Listen carefully to how he talks about other people. If he expresses hostility or contempt for most of the people in his life, that is his base emotion. The time will come when he will surely visit that hostility or contempt on you.

· Notice how easily he becomes angry and how angry he gets. You won’t be immune from his anger for too long. You can even provoke his anger to see exactly how he behaves; if you dare. And, of course, if you don’t, then you really should not be with him.

· Find out about his relationship with his family. If his relationship with his family has broken down, or even if his mother seems to dominate him, it bodes badly for his relationship with you.

· If he has children by a previous relationship, find out how well they get on with him. If they don’t like him there’s probably a good reason – and it may not be just because his ex-wife/girlfriend ‘is a bitch’.

· If he has any addictions, whether to drugs, drink, gambling, sex or anything else; unless you want to play second fiddle to an addiction, that’s your cue to run very fast, in the opposite direction. He may beat his addiction one day, but you certainly can’t do it for him, and the chances are he will drag you down with him.

· If he has a history of violent behaviour in his past, assume that you will end up as his punch bag, if you stick around. Your love won’t change his behaviour.

· Get a copy of “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and read it until every word is etched on your heart. It will help you to distinguish between the way a man treats you when he truly care and the way he‘ll treat you when they don’t.

· Grow your circle of friends and well-wishers, so you aren’t

you find upsetting. You may start to a see a pattern. He may sulk if he doesn’t get his own way, or ignore your feelings, or get angry over small things.

· Listen carefully to what he says about his previous girlfriends. If he tells you that they all behaved badly towards him, then that’s probably exactly what he’ll say about you, one day. If they’ve all disappointed him, you can bet you’ll end up disappointing him too, however hard you try. Because he sees himself as a victim of the women in his life.

· Listen carefully to how he talks about other people. If he expresses hostility or contempt for most of the people in his life, that is his base emotion. The time will come when he will surely visit that hostility or contempt on you.

· Notice how easily he becomes angry and how angry he gets. You won’t be immune from his anger for too long. You can even provoke his anger to see exactly how he behaves; if you dare. And, of course, if you don’t, then you really should not be with him.

· Find out about his relationship with his family. If his relationship with his family has broken down, or even if his mother seems to dominate him, it bodes badly for his relationship with you.

· If he has children by a previous relationship, find out how well they get on with him. If they don’t like him there’s probably a good reason – and it may not be just because his ex-wife/girlfriend ‘is a bitch’.

· If he has any addictions, whether to drugs, drink, gambling, sex or anything else; unless you want to play second fiddle to an addiction, that’s your cue to run very fast, in the opposite direction. He may beat his addiction one day, but you certainly can’t do it for him, and the chances are he will drag you down with him.

· If he has a history of violent behaviour in his past, assume that you will end up as his punch bag, if you stick around. Your love won’t change his behaviour.

· Get a copy of “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and read it until every word is etched on your heart. It will help you to distinguish between the way a man treats you when he truly care and the way he‘ll treat you when they don’t.

· Grow your circle of friends and well-wishers, so you aren’t

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· Notice how easily he becomes angry and how angry he gets. You won’t be immune from his anger for too long. You can even provoke his anger to see exactly how he behaves; if you dare. And, of course, if you don’t, then you really should not be with him.

· Find out about his relationship with his family. If his relationship with his family has broken down, or even if his mother seems to dominate him, it bodes badly for his relationship with you.

· If he has children by a previous relationship, find out how well they get on with him. If they don’t like him there’s probably a good reason – and it may not be just because his ex-wife/girlfriend ‘is a bitch’.

· If he has any addictions, whether to drugs, drink, gambling, sex or anything else; unless you want to play second fiddle to an addiction, that’s your cue to run very fast, in the opposite direction. He may beat his addiction one day, but you certainly can’t do it for him, and the chances are he will drag you down with him.

· If he has a history of violent behaviour in his past, assume that you will end up as his punch bag, if you stick around. Your love won’t change his behaviour.

· Get a copy of “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and read it until every word is etched on your heart. It will help you to distinguish between the way a man treats you when he truly care and the way he‘ll treat you when they don’t.

· Grow your circle of friends and well-wishers, so you aren’t

anything else; unless you want to play second fiddle to an addiction, that’s your cue to run very fast, in the opposite direction. He may beat his addiction one day, but you certainly can’t do it for him, and the chances are he will drag you down with him.

· If he has a history of violent behaviour in his past, assume that you will end up as his punch bag, if you stick around. Your love won’t change his behaviour.

· Get a copy of “He’s just not that into you” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo and read it until every word is etched on your heart. It will help you to distinguish between the way a man treats you when he truly care and the way he‘ll treat you when they don’t.

· Grow your circle of friends and well-wishers, so you aren’t putting all your emotional eggs in one basket.

· Learn to love yourself first. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t love other people, it’s simply doing the opposite of putting yourself last. You’ve seen where putting yourself last has ever got you.

2006 (C) Annie Kaszina