ersationalist. She seemed open and self-giving. In the course of the day, she shared with workshop participants that she’d never been in a real loving relationship or even one that lasted over a year. Her relationships all ended when the man walked out, leaving her feeling abandoned, disoriented, sad and lost. In each case after moaning the affair, she tell herself she deserved better and the men who’d walked out on her weren’t’ just up to heHave you ever noticed how when you enter a room, it’s almost as if your internal homing device scans the room for someone to connect to and as if by default it announces “This one isn't interested in you, go for it".

While other singles come home with stories of dates that were intense and fascinating, emotionally and physically, all you can remember are details of how often there was silence, unease and awkwardness during your own dates. And you probably recall that there was one (or more people) you met in your life time who’d have fallen in love with you but he or she didn’t want anything to do with you or if the relationship actually started, it took only a few months before the person you are so much in love with wouldn’t even touch you!

Emotional closeness was the theme of my weekend playshop. I had over 20 single men and women in the room. For the first ten minutes, I told them to mingle and get to know each other while I observed. I particularly noted one woman whom we’ll call Mindy. Mindy constantly intruded on other people’s space, smiling and trying to start a conversation but she either got a polite nod and the conversation continued as if she wasn’t there or someone spoke with her for a few minutes before excusing themselves. In many cases she got the body language that said “back off". Of course most of the people in the room had one kind or other relationship problem but watching Mindy was painful. It was like watching a needy puppy try to cuddle with a strange cat that didn’t want its presence.

Mindy is trim and fit, intelligent and style conscious. Her image is impeccably professional and her physical appearance embodies many a man’s fantasy. She’s both spontaneous and fun to be around – she was charming and a good conversationalist. She seemed open and self-giving. In the course of the day, she shared with workshop participants that she’d never been in a real loving relationship or even one that lasted over a year. Her relationships all ended when the man walked out, leaving her feeling abandoned, disoriented, sad and lost. In each case after moaning the affair, she tell herself she deserved better and the men who’d walked out on her weren’t’ just up to he

s. And you probably recall that there was one (or more people) you met in your life time who’d have fallen in love with you but he or she didn’t want anything to do with you or if the relationship actually started, it took only a few months before the person you are so much in love with wouldn’t even touch you!

Emotional closeness was the theme of my weekend playshop. I had over 20 single men and women in the room. For the first ten minutes, I told them to mingle and get to know each other while I observed. I particularly noted one woman whom we’ll call Mindy. Mindy constantly intruded on other people’s space, smiling and trying to start a conversation but she either got a polite nod and the conversation continued as if she wasn’t there or someone spoke with her for a few minutes before excusing themselves. In many cases she got the body language that said “back off". Of course most of the people in the room had one kind or other relationship problem but watching Mindy was painful. It was like watching a needy puppy try to cuddle with a strange cat that didn’t want its presence.

Mindy is trim and fit, intelligent and style conscious. Her image is impeccably professional and her physical appearance embodies many a man’s fantasy. She’s both spontaneous and fun to be around – she was charming and a good conversationalist. She seemed open and self-giving. In the course of the day, she shared with workshop participants that she’d never been in a real loving relationship or even one that lasted over a year. Her relationships all ended when the man walked out, leaving her feeling abandoned, disoriented, sad and lost. In each case after moaning the affair, she tell herself she deserved better and the men who’d walked out on her weren’t’ just up to he

utes, I told them to mingle and get to know each other while I observed. I particularly noted one woman whom we’ll call Mindy. Mindy constantly intruded on other people’s space, smiling and trying to start a conversation but she either got a polite nod and the conversation continued as if she wasn’t there or someone spoke with her for a few minutes before excusing themselves. In many cases she got the body language that said “back off". Of course most of the people in the room had one kind or other relationship problem but watching Mindy was painful. It was like watching a needy puppy try to cuddle with a strange cat that didn’t want its presence.

Mindy is trim and fit, intelligent and style conscious. Her image is impeccably professional and her physical appearance embodies many a man’s fantasy. She’s both spontaneous and fun to be around – she was charming and a good conversationalist. She seemed open and self-giving. In the course of the day, she shared with workshop participants that she’d never been in a real loving relationship or even one that lasted over a year. Her relationships all ended when the man walked out, leaving her feeling abandoned, disoriented, sad and lost. In each case after moaning the affair, she tell herself she deserved better and the men who’d walked out on her weren’t’ just up to he

urse most of the people in the room had one kind or other relationship problem but watching Mindy was painful. It was like watching a needy puppy try to cuddle with a strange cat that didn’t want its presence.

Mindy is trim and fit, intelligent and style conscious. Her image is impeccably professional and her physical appearance embodies many a man’s fantasy. She’s both spontaneous and fun to be around – she was charming and a good conversationalist. She seemed open and self-giving. In the course of the day, she shared with workshop participants that she’d never been in a real loving relationship or even one that lasted over a year. Her relationships all ended when the man walked out, leaving her feeling abandoned, disoriented, sad and lost. In each case after moaning the affair, she tell herself she deserved better and the men who’d walked out on her weren’t’ just up to he

ersationalist. She seemed open and self-giving. In the course of the day, she shared with workshop participants that she’d never been in a real loving relationship or even one that lasted over a year. Her relationships all ended when the man walked out, leaving her feeling abandoned, disoriented, sad and lost. In each case after moaning the affair, she tell herself she deserved better and the men who’d walked out on her weren’t’ just up to her standard. So in her customary style, she’d get an expensive makeover complete with new wardrobe and jewelry. Then she’d go out into local hot spots and find herself another man.

As I said, she was very open about her life and talked about her relationships with her parents, which she told the group was more about politeness and courtesy than anything else. She also told us that she did not have very close female friends because she felt most of her friends were jealous and did not want to see her succeed. So she ended up avoiding female friends altogether. At work she was very professional and insisted on keeping her work life very separate from her personal life. But even as she talked, I couldn’t help but notice that Mindy was adept at generating a smoke screen, so much that despite her seemingly self-giving and open outside image, I felt that her interactions with the group were an artificial performance. Her character came across as lacking genuine feeling and connection. Like I said, it was painful to watch.

Mindy obviously was unaware of the emotional impact she had on others, something that had seeped through her entire life. Not only was her outer image disconnected from her inner image, but the more she “performed" the more disconnected her interactions with the rest of the group.

It is a common thing that people who crave emotional closeness are the very people who consistently get emotional distance from others. We may not see ourselves as emotionally distant because emotional distancing takes different forms: manipulation, nagging, whining, seduction, fakeness, control, intrusion, avoidance, isolation, jumping to conclusions about other people's words and actions, etc.. The resistance to intimacy also shows itself when peo