Not really.” Another thirty minutes pass and He says, “I can’t believe you are so insensitive to my needs. I wanted t stop and get a snack over an hour ago and you just don’t seem to care.” And he says this with – an attitude.

Now this could be the start of an argument and that will depend on

I don’t know about you, but I have often wondered why people disguise statements, needs or expectations in the form of questions.

Let me explain.

My wife asks me, “Are you wearing that tonight?” When what she is really saying is - Don’t wear that. Granted tone of voice, inflection and non-verbal messages that accompany the question may be sending either a sarcastic or concerned attitude, but nonetheless why does she feel the need to express the statement as a question? Why not just come right out and say, “I would prefer if you would wear something different.”

And is this a female thing or are men guilty of the same tactic?

Are these questions asked because there may be other agendas lurking in the background or are they just innocent remarks with no apparent subversive meaning? Well it depends.

Here is another common example.

You and your partner are driving on vacation toward your resort hotel. You have been driving for a few hours and your male companion (spouse, significant other – whatever) asks you, “Do you want to stop and get something to eat?” You reply, “No.” Thirty minutes later, he asks, “Are you sure you aren’t hungary?” Your reply, “Not really.” Another thirty minutes pass and He says, “I can’t believe you are so insensitive to my needs. I wanted t stop and get a snack over an hour ago and you just don’t seem to care.” And he says this with – an attitude.

Now this could be the start of an argument and that will depend on

n-verbal messages that accompany the question may be sending either a sarcastic or concerned attitude, but nonetheless why does she feel the need to express the statement as a question? Why not just come right out and say, “I would prefer if you would wear something different.”

And is this a female thing or are men guilty of the same tactic?

Are these questions asked because there may be other agendas lurking in the background or are they just innocent remarks with no apparent subversive meaning? Well it depends.

Here is another common example.

You and your partner are driving on vacation toward your resort hotel. You have been driving for a few hours and your male companion (spouse, significant other – whatever) asks you, “Do you want to stop and get something to eat?” You reply, “No.” Thirty minutes later, he asks, “Are you sure you aren’t hungary?” Your reply, “Not really.” Another thirty minutes pass and He says, “I can’t believe you are so insensitive to my needs. I wanted t stop and get a snack over an hour ago and you just don’t seem to care.” And he says this with – an attitude.

Now this could be the start of an argument and that will depend on

male thing or are men guilty of the same tactic?

Are these questions asked because there may be other agendas lurking in the background or are they just innocent remarks with no apparent subversive meaning? Well it depends.

Here is another common example.

You and your partner are driving on vacation toward your resort hotel. You have been driving for a few hours and your male companion (spouse, significant other – whatever) asks you, “Do you want to stop and get something to eat?” You reply, “No.” Thirty minutes later, he asks, “Are you sure you aren’t hungary?” Your reply, “Not really.” Another thirty minutes pass and He says, “I can’t believe you are so insensitive to my needs. I wanted t stop and get a snack over an hour ago and you just don’t seem to care.” And he says this with – an attitude.

Now this could be the start of an argument and that will depend on

ving on vacation toward your resort hotel. You have been driving for a few hours and your male companion (spouse, significant other – whatever) asks you, “Do you want to stop and get something to eat?” You reply, “No.” Thirty minutes later, he asks, “Are you sure you aren’t hungary?” Your reply, “Not really.” Another thirty minutes pass and He says, “I can’t believe you are so insensitive to my needs. I wanted t stop and get a snack over an hour ago and you just don’t seem to care.” And he says this with – an attitude.

Now this could be the start of an argument and that will depend on

Not really.” Another thirty minutes pass and He says, “I can’t believe you are so insensitive to my needs. I wanted t stop and get a snack over an hour ago and you just don’t seem to care.” And he says this with – an attitude.

Now this could be the start of an argument and that will depend on the overall status of the relationship or the general quality of your communication. My point is, why didn’t he just say the first time, “Let’s stop and get a snack.”

There could be a number of reasons why a person would camouflage a demand, expectation or subtle request with a question. Such as:

1. The desire to avoid appearing manipulative.
2. Insecurity and the unwillingness to appear forceful.
3. An un-safe relationship where disguised remarks are the norm.
4. The avoidance of potential conflict.
5. Poor communication skills in general.

When your partner asks rather than states, what can you do or say to avoid a simple un-expressed comment escalating into a less than pleasant conversation? First you have to know your partner’s communication patterns and style. Second you need to really listen to what he or she is saying or not saying. Third you need to learn to use a simple follow-up remark such as, “Would you like to stop for a snack? Would you like me to wear something else?

A word of caution however. If your partner is using this mode of communication as a manipulative tactic you have a choice – give in and defend your position, bel