t her unconscious processes to choose an appropriate partner. I had her make a list of the characteristics that she was looking for in a partner and had her carry it around with her in her wallet. One bright November morning she came in to tell me of her triumph with another bad boy situation.

“I was consciously able to make a

Harry Stack Sullivan, in The Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry , argues that human beings have a biological drive to develop and establish interpersonal relationships. In Biological Basis for Human Social Behavior , R.A. Hind suggests that a person’s “attachment style”—the way in which they relate to other human beings and form relationships with them—is developed mostly during childhood. The attachment style tends to persist into adulthood but is not fixed and can be modified either positively or negatively as the result of further interactions.

I have had the joy of seeing countless adult clients consciously change their attachment style. This is a practice that takes time and is not easy to do. However, I have seen many people move from a victim stance to living more fully by changing their attachment style.

Helen was a lovely, dark-haired young woman, the adult child of an alcoholic. Her attachment style led her to be attracted to what she called “bad boys.” Helen told me she “had radar for the bad boys in the room,” those who would treat her with indifference and ultimately disappoint her. She had been married for five years to Paul, who was extremely critical of her, had multiple affairs, and was also an alcoholic.

We worked hard on her attachment style. Like many clients, she could not trust her unconscious processes to choose an appropriate partner. I had her make a list of the characteristics that she was looking for in a partner and had her carry it around with her in her wallet. One bright November morning she came in to tell me of her triumph with another bad boy situation.

“I was consciously able to make a

ationships with them—is developed mostly during childhood. The attachment style tends to persist into adulthood but is not fixed and can be modified either positively or negatively as the result of further interactions.

I have had the joy of seeing countless adult clients consciously change their attachment style. This is a practice that takes time and is not easy to do. However, I have seen many people move from a victim stance to living more fully by changing their attachment style.

Helen was a lovely, dark-haired young woman, the adult child of an alcoholic. Her attachment style led her to be attracted to what she called “bad boys.” Helen told me she “had radar for the bad boys in the room,” those who would treat her with indifference and ultimately disappoint her. She had been married for five years to Paul, who was extremely critical of her, had multiple affairs, and was also an alcoholic.

We worked hard on her attachment style. Like many clients, she could not trust her unconscious processes to choose an appropriate partner. I had her make a list of the characteristics that she was looking for in a partner and had her carry it around with her in her wallet. One bright November morning she came in to tell me of her triumph with another bad boy situation.

“I was consciously able to make a

actice that takes time and is not easy to do. However, I have seen many people move from a victim stance to living more fully by changing their attachment style.

Helen was a lovely, dark-haired young woman, the adult child of an alcoholic. Her attachment style led her to be attracted to what she called “bad boys.” Helen told me she “had radar for the bad boys in the room,” those who would treat her with indifference and ultimately disappoint her. She had been married for five years to Paul, who was extremely critical of her, had multiple affairs, and was also an alcoholic.

We worked hard on her attachment style. Like many clients, she could not trust her unconscious processes to choose an appropriate partner. I had her make a list of the characteristics that she was looking for in a partner and had her carry it around with her in her wallet. One bright November morning she came in to tell me of her triumph with another bad boy situation.

“I was consciously able to make a

she “had radar for the bad boys in the room,” those who would treat her with indifference and ultimately disappoint her. She had been married for five years to Paul, who was extremely critical of her, had multiple affairs, and was also an alcoholic.

We worked hard on her attachment style. Like many clients, she could not trust her unconscious processes to choose an appropriate partner. I had her make a list of the characteristics that she was looking for in a partner and had her carry it around with her in her wallet. One bright November morning she came in to tell me of her triumph with another bad boy situation.

“I was consciously able to make a

t her unconscious processes to choose an appropriate partner. I had her make a list of the characteristics that she was looking for in a partner and had her carry it around with her in her wallet. One bright November morning she came in to tell me of her triumph with another bad boy situation.

“I was consciously able to make a choice to not follow my attraction,” Helen explained. “I was at a party and was approached by a very attractive and charming man. My radar went up immediately, because I felt a strong attraction to his good looks and charm. However, I also started looking for indications that he was the type of man that I had been attracted to in the past. I did not have to consider this for very long because I realized that he had a date who was over getting something for both of them to drink. I decided on the spot that I did not want to go out with him when he asked me out on a date, when he already had a date.” So began a real change in Helen’s attachment style. She has since married a conscientious, devoted husband.

An attachment style is not simply made up of behavior we have learned at our parents’ knees. An attachment style is a way of thinking and feeling as well, and shapes not just what we do, but the meaning we give to the things that happen between our partner and ourselves. The way we think as children can persist into our adult lives.

Despite the learning we do later that develops rational thinking and professional skills, there is a tendency to hold onto child-like ways of thinking in our long-term and intimate relationships. Our professional skills are things we learn as adults, but as H. Stadtman Main p