, he did not like the fact that I read it in the temple where everyone could see I was Black! He would also prefer it if I did not come to the house during the day, only at night. This was after 28 years of being married to his son, with me mistakenly believing I was a family member by then.

Discriminatory Behaviour
The most hurtful thing to me was that not one of the relatives present thought his comments were wrong. Fearing him, they simply a

A. Conflict with Relatives. This occurs most frequently when one spouse remains dependent on her parents for money or emotional support or another is too weak to defend his family against undue interference from his parents. Interfering relatives are always a problem for new couples trying to make their own life in their own way and with little experience. The new couple does not really want to cause antagonism by being impolite to their loved ones, as they would value any advice or expertise, especially when they ask for it and it isn't imposed. But they have to do things their way to learn about life.

Young couples setting out on their own exciting journey cannot live their lives entirely according to someone else's expectation or as a mirror to someone else’s relationship. They have to find their own course and establish their own values and boundaries in their own time, regardless of the obstacles. Unless both parties show confidence and faith in each other at the early stages, and defend one another from interfering relatives, the problem will inevitably escalate, leaving one partner always feeling isolated, unsupported and powerless.

For example, my ex-husband is an Indian Sikh. Some of my newly acquired relatives were so racist, it took the patience of the biblical Job to actually deal with them. Up to the time I left my home, 33 years after my marriage, one of my husband’s sisters in Birmingham never visited us once because I was Black and she did not want her friends knowing we were related! But then, she was only following their father’s example. After his young son’s death, I felt very pleased to read a poem for him in the local temple on the day of the funeral. However, I learnt later what the father had told other members of his family that very day. He said that, while he appreciated the poem, he did not like the fact that I read it in the temple where everyone could see I was Black! He would also prefer it if I did not come to the house during the day, only at night. This was after 28 years of being married to his son, with me mistakenly believing I was a family member by then.

Discriminatory Behaviour
The most hurtful thing to me was that not one of the relatives present thought his comments were wrong. Fearing him, they simply a

ey would value any advice or expertise, especially when they ask for it and it isn't imposed. But they have to do things their way to learn about life.

Young couples setting out on their own exciting journey cannot live their lives entirely according to someone else's expectation or as a mirror to someone else’s relationship. They have to find their own course and establish their own values and boundaries in their own time, regardless of the obstacles. Unless both parties show confidence and faith in each other at the early stages, and defend one another from interfering relatives, the problem will inevitably escalate, leaving one partner always feeling isolated, unsupported and powerless.

For example, my ex-husband is an Indian Sikh. Some of my newly acquired relatives were so racist, it took the patience of the biblical Job to actually deal with them. Up to the time I left my home, 33 years after my marriage, one of my husband’s sisters in Birmingham never visited us once because I was Black and she did not want her friends knowing we were related! But then, she was only following their father’s example. After his young son’s death, I felt very pleased to read a poem for him in the local temple on the day of the funeral. However, I learnt later what the father had told other members of his family that very day. He said that, while he appreciated the poem, he did not like the fact that I read it in the temple where everyone could see I was Black! He would also prefer it if I did not come to the house during the day, only at night. This was after 28 years of being married to his son, with me mistakenly believing I was a family member by then.

Discriminatory Behaviour
The most hurtful thing to me was that not one of the relatives present thought his comments were wrong. Fearing him, they simply a

les. Unless both parties show confidence and faith in each other at the early stages, and defend one another from interfering relatives, the problem will inevitably escalate, leaving one partner always feeling isolated, unsupported and powerless.

For example, my ex-husband is an Indian Sikh. Some of my newly acquired relatives were so racist, it took the patience of the biblical Job to actually deal with them. Up to the time I left my home, 33 years after my marriage, one of my husband’s sisters in Birmingham never visited us once because I was Black and she did not want her friends knowing we were related! But then, she was only following their father’s example. After his young son’s death, I felt very pleased to read a poem for him in the local temple on the day of the funeral. However, I learnt later what the father had told other members of his family that very day. He said that, while he appreciated the poem, he did not like the fact that I read it in the temple where everyone could see I was Black! He would also prefer it if I did not come to the house during the day, only at night. This was after 28 years of being married to his son, with me mistakenly believing I was a family member by then.

Discriminatory Behaviour
The most hurtful thing to me was that not one of the relatives present thought his comments were wrong. Fearing him, they simply a

my marriage, one of my husband’s sisters in Birmingham never visited us once because I was Black and she did not want her friends knowing we were related! But then, she was only following their father’s example. After his young son’s death, I felt very pleased to read a poem for him in the local temple on the day of the funeral. However, I learnt later what the father had told other members of his family that very day. He said that, while he appreciated the poem, he did not like the fact that I read it in the temple where everyone could see I was Black! He would also prefer it if I did not come to the house during the day, only at night. This was after 28 years of being married to his son, with me mistakenly believing I was a family member by then.

Discriminatory Behaviour
The most hurtful thing to me was that not one of the relatives present thought his comments were wrong. Fearing him, they simply a

, he did not like the fact that I read it in the temple where everyone could see I was Black! He would also prefer it if I did not come to the house during the day, only at night. This was after 28 years of being married to his son, with me mistakenly believing I was a family member by then.

Discriminatory Behaviour
The most hurtful thing to me was that not one of the relatives present thought his comments were wrong. Fearing him, they simply accepted what he said without questioning the morality of it. He was old so his actions could be excused. But there is no excuse for racism or any other kind of prejudice. In fact, it took my husband a very long time to accept that some of his relatives were racist, which made me feel even more isolated and low in esteem, but exceedingly proud of who I was and deeply resistant to their discriminatory behaviour. However, it felt like a long, lonely battle, with me on one side and ‘the family’ on the other, trying to validate who I was when I was not seeking anyone’s permission to be Black. It was interesting to see that, after I left home, not a single one of them contacted me, not even those who used to tell me how much they cared for me! It was as if I were invisible. I was disappointed, but not too surprised. It is difficult for superficial, uncaring and racist people to behave otherwise.

B. Chauvinism and Controlling Gender Roles. This includes a ‘my way or else’ approach, insecurity, possessiveness, a desire for perfection and trying to change your partner. Wanting things to be a certain way and having preferences are completely natural and even healthy. However, when this tendency becomes extreme and starts to encroach on the rights, needs and desires of others, it can cause major havoc. Where there is no equality in a relationship, there is no respect. Instead, there is usually a passive, fearful doormat who allows her/himself to be walked upon. Both parties to a relationship have equal rights, regardless of the division of labour and the nature of their careers. Both enhance one another, thus teamwork should be paramount.

Freedom of will and self-determination are basic needs. When these are being threatened, negative reactions may include anger, resentment, and/or rebellion. One person should not be taking