on in advertising.

(8) Our customers are NUMBER ONE!

Sadly, this just isn’t as true as it was in the days in which the slogan, “The customer is always right!” held sway. In today’s businesses, management is number one, stockholders are number two, associates, including CSR’s are number three, and customers are DFL, which translates DEAD _ _ _ _ _ _ _ LAST!

(9) Your call will be answered in the order in which it came in.

Scream “Help! Help! Help!” as the menu tells you “Say or touch ONE,” and see what happens. Many voice recognition systems can detect when customers are about to go nuclear, and you can advance in the cue if you just refuse to go gently into that good ni

As a seasoned customer service consultant and occasional consumer watchdog, let me share my 10 favorite customer service LIES.

(1) Your call is important to us.

If this were true, companies would staff adequately and not discourage call volumes through daunting electronic menus, long waiting times, and incessant prodding to seek alternate help at web sites. It is precisely because calls are UNIMPORTANT that they are handled so poorly.

(2) To assure the highest quality, your call may be monitored or recorded.

Though more companies are recording ALL calls, fewer are staffing adequately to review enough conversations to have a positive impact on service quality. Recordings are made primarily to CONTROL reps and to keep customers docile, who are intimidated by the idea that their conversations might be flagged, replayed and ridiculed.

(3) “Sure, I’ll be happy to help you with that.”

Monitor the vocal TONE with which this line is heartlessly rendered. It almost always slopes downward, indicating the rep is anything but happy in her job and in sharing that special moment with you.

(4) “I’ll only make an exception, ONCE!”

I heard this from a rep at a credit card company who reluctantly waived a finance charge and late fee because her company doesn’t open its mail in a timely way. What are the odds I’ll ever speak to THAT REP again, when the bank has tens of thousands of drones on phones in countries all over the globe?

Plus, do you think they want to see me walk out the door over a measly few bucks? I doubt it, and when I need to get charges waived again, believe me, I WILL!

(5) “I’m Megan’s supervisor.”

This is one of the shameful little secrets in service. When you “escalate” a call, demanding a supervisor, in today's downsized workplace you might be turned over to a PEER, who is PRETENDING to be a supervisor, just to appease you.

(6) “You’ll get faster service at our web site.”

Go to most web sites, submit an email, and you’ll see a responsive message in your inbox acknowledging your submission and then informing you that your inquiry will be addressed in 24-48 hours. I think that’s just a wee bit longer than waiting in a phone cue, even for a half hour, don’t you?

(7) Our customer service is award-winning!

Don’t believe this puffery. That award was probably bought and paid for, in all likelihood. Service departments everywhere are signing up for bogus beauty contests and nearly every entry finds some little niche in which they can claim to be “exceptional.”

I like a famous survey company's “Initial Customer Satisfaction” award for cars that dazzle buyers within the first 90 days of ownership, but could very well fall apart after that, yet still boast of this distinction in advertising.

(8) Our customers are NUMBER ONE!

Sadly, this just isn’t as true as it was in the days in which the slogan, “The customer is always right!” held sway. In today’s businesses, management is number one, stockholders are number two, associates, including CSR’s are number three, and customers are DFL, which translates DEAD _ _ _ _ _ _ _ LAST!

(9) Your call will be answered in the order in which it came in.

Scream “Help! Help! Help!” as the menu tells you “Say or touch ONE,” and see what happens. Many voice recognition systems can detect when customers are about to go nuclear, and you can advance in the cue if you just refuse to go gently into that good nig

s are made primarily to CONTROL reps and to keep customers docile, who are intimidated by the idea that their conversations might be flagged, replayed and ridiculed.

(3) “Sure, I’ll be happy to help you with that.”

Monitor the vocal TONE with which this line is heartlessly rendered. It almost always slopes downward, indicating the rep is anything but happy in her job and in sharing that special moment with you.

(4) “I’ll only make an exception, ONCE!”

I heard this from a rep at a credit card company who reluctantly waived a finance charge and late fee because her company doesn’t open its mail in a timely way. What are the odds I’ll ever speak to THAT REP again, when the bank has tens of thousands of drones on phones in countries all over the globe?

Plus, do you think they want to see me walk out the door over a measly few bucks? I doubt it, and when I need to get charges waived again, believe me, I WILL!

(5) “I’m Megan’s supervisor.”

This is one of the shameful little secrets in service. When you “escalate” a call, demanding a supervisor, in today's downsized workplace you might be turned over to a PEER, who is PRETENDING to be a supervisor, just to appease you.

(6) “You’ll get faster service at our web site.”

Go to most web sites, submit an email, and you’ll see a responsive message in your inbox acknowledging your submission and then informing you that your inquiry will be addressed in 24-48 hours. I think that’s just a wee bit longer than waiting in a phone cue, even for a half hour, don’t you?

(7) Our customer service is award-winning!

Don’t believe this puffery. That award was probably bought and paid for, in all likelihood. Service departments everywhere are signing up for bogus beauty contests and nearly every entry finds some little niche in which they can claim to be “exceptional.”

I like a famous survey company's “Initial Customer Satisfaction” award for cars that dazzle buyers within the first 90 days of ownership, but could very well fall apart after that, yet still boast of this distinction in advertising.

(8) Our customers are NUMBER ONE!

Sadly, this just isn’t as true as it was in the days in which the slogan, “The customer is always right!” held sway. In today’s businesses, management is number one, stockholders are number two, associates, including CSR’s are number three, and customers are DFL, which translates DEAD _ _ _ _ _ _ _ LAST!

(9) Your call will be answered in the order in which it came in.

Scream “Help! Help! Help!” as the menu tells you “Say or touch ONE,” and see what happens. Many voice recognition systems can detect when customers are about to go nuclear, and you can advance in the cue if you just refuse to go gently into that good ni

bank has tens of thousands of drones on phones in countries all over the globe?

Plus, do you think they want to see me walk out the door over a measly few bucks? I doubt it, and when I need to get charges waived again, believe me, I WILL!

(5) “I’m Megan’s supervisor.”

This is one of the shameful little secrets in service. When you “escalate” a call, demanding a supervisor, in today's downsized workplace you might be turned over to a PEER, who is PRETENDING to be a supervisor, just to appease you.

(6) “You’ll get faster service at our web site.”

Go to most web sites, submit an email, and you’ll see a responsive message in your inbox acknowledging your submission and then informing you that your inquiry will be addressed in 24-48 hours. I think that’s just a wee bit longer than waiting in a phone cue, even for a half hour, don’t you?

(7) Our customer service is award-winning!

Don’t believe this puffery. That award was probably bought and paid for, in all likelihood. Service departments everywhere are signing up for bogus beauty contests and nearly every entry finds some little niche in which they can claim to be “exceptional.”

I like a famous survey company's “Initial Customer Satisfaction” award for cars that dazzle buyers within the first 90 days of ownership, but could very well fall apart after that, yet still boast of this distinction in advertising.

(8) Our customers are NUMBER ONE!

Sadly, this just isn’t as true as it was in the days in which the slogan, “The customer is always right!” held sway. In today’s businesses, management is number one, stockholders are number two, associates, including CSR’s are number three, and customers are DFL, which translates DEAD _ _ _ _ _ _ _ LAST!

(9) Your call will be answered in the order in which it came in.

Scream “Help! Help! Help!” as the menu tells you “Say or touch ONE,” and see what happens. Many voice recognition systems can detect when customers are about to go nuclear, and you can advance in the cue if you just refuse to go gently into that good ni

d then informing you that your inquiry will be addressed in 24-48 hours. I think that’s just a wee bit longer than waiting in a phone cue, even for a half hour, don’t you?

(7) Our customer service is award-winning!

Don’t believe this puffery. That award was probably bought and paid for, in all likelihood. Service departments everywhere are signing up for bogus beauty contests and nearly every entry finds some little niche in which they can claim to be “exceptional.”

I like a famous survey company's “Initial Customer Satisfaction” award for cars that dazzle buyers within the first 90 days of ownership, but could very well fall apart after that, yet still boast of this distinction in advertising.

(8) Our customers are NUMBER ONE!

Sadly, this just isn’t as true as it was in the days in which the slogan, “The customer is always right!” held sway. In today’s businesses, management is number one, stockholders are number two, associates, including CSR’s are number three, and customers are DFL, which translates DEAD _ _ _ _ _ _ _ LAST!

(9) Your call will be answered in the order in which it came in.

Scream “Help! Help! Help!” as the menu tells you “Say or touch ONE,” and see what happens. Many voice recognition systems can detect when customers are about to go nuclear, and you can advance in the cue if you just refuse to go gently into that good ni

on in advertising.

(8) Our customers are NUMBER ONE!

Sadly, this just isn’t as true as it was in the days in which the slogan, “The customer is always right!” held sway. In today’s businesses, management is number one, stockholders are number two, associates, including CSR’s are number three, and customers are DFL, which translates DEAD _ _ _ _ _ _ _ LAST!

(9) Your call will be answered in the order in which it came in.

Scream “Help! Help! Help!” as the menu tells you “Say or touch ONE,” and see what happens. Many voice recognition systems can detect when customers are about to go nuclear, and you can advance in the cue if you just refuse to go gently into that good night.

(10) “I’m sorry that happened.”

No you’re not. You’ve been trained to say these often shallow words because you’re not really going to FIX the underlying problem. You simply want to lull customers to sleep

If you are sorry, tell management it needs to fix its products, deliver on its promises, and end the shameful practice of excuse-making.

If they won’t heed your concerns about customer dissatisfaction, send a stronger message by quitting, citing the reason you’re doing so. Companies will have to pay attention when CSR’s refuse to lie for them.